Time Machine

Really!? Has it been another year? I feel like the more I try to log what I have been up to the longer the time between logs/blogs get. It is not only in the virtual world, but in reality as well. I haven't spoken to anybody (besides those that are physically close to me...meaning, my husband/mom/and the people in the lab right next to me since there is a door that I can easily go through and sometimes need to since I tend to leave my keys at home) for at least since I last blogged. Seriously.

I went out for New year with my ex-lab mate. And then I haven't seen her again. Since she's been gone I have no one to share ideas with. It's a hinderance. Thanks Meli.

I did however, present in my first international conference: The International Congress of Entomology in Durban, South Africa. I spent my nights in South Beach and my days avoiding scientists in the halls. However, I can say I was trully energized after that trip. Unfortunately it was short lived.

But, I just got used to this step!

After finaly feeling like I don't have to blend in with the walls as I walk down the hall, I find that it is soon time to move on to the next step. But, I barely just got used to this one. We talked about me finishing in Spring of 2009. "Isn't that next spring!", I almost yelled. "Hmmm, yes, I guess it is", he responded. Although I am very excited about the prospect of "moving on", I am deathly terrified of it. "Ah, aren't we fogetting the fact that I am still a complete idiot?" I think in my head. That's not going to be fixed in a year! Plus, I have 3 chapters to fill, an exam to take and a defense. Plus, who the hell is going to hire me?

I need to read.
I need to write.
I need to experiment.
I need to research.
I need to build.
I need to present.
I need to work.
I need to get money.
I need to remember.

But all I want to do is think of other things.

A Year After

Well, last year was definately a rollercoaster. After my first year I didn't think it could get crazier, but I proved my second year that it could be much worse...much much worse. I had started this blog to remind myself of what grad school was like for me (if I ever get out) and to maybe help others not feel alone while they are going through this crazy stage in life. Most of the stuff I feel I can honestly say is shared by a lot of people also in grad school. I feel kinda sad that I haven't been able to keep in touch with this blog. However I will try to make it better.

As I was saying....my second year was CRAZY! I took on too much and really drove myself insane. I was taking Med School Physiology; finished writing my masters thesis and defended it and finally graduated with it; I was teaching; I finished my first dissertation project; I analyzed the data and wrote a pretty good rough draft; I applied to 3 fellowships; took an extra job teaching Anatomy at a different institution; volunteered; went to Australia, Guatemala, Miami, New York San Francisco and Washington DC; and almost ruined my marriage. I advise that you really not take grad school this seriously.

I am sad to say that I didn't pass my Med School Physiology class....and, I retook it this year (I am sure I did fine on it). I am happy to say that I got awarded a Fellowship in 2007-2008 so I didn't have to work this year, and I just received another Fellowship for next year. So, some of my craziness paid off.

My third year hasn't been as wild, simply because I decided to bring my priorities back. I really enjoy what I do, but I am not willing to risk everything else for it. I don't think I would be happy, and I don't think that it is the type of scientist I want to be. However I have learned a lot and I am willing to keep on learning.

Starting today I will use this blog to give more information about cool things I have have learned and about opportunities for others to apply to. I hope this website helps at least one person! At least so that you feel like certain feelings are shared and you're not alone.

Today Blows

It's been two years since I started here and although I finally have made my lab my home, I still can't get comfortable with teaching. I am quick to second guess myself, even in front of my students, when I don't really have to. I haven't quite mastered the skill to stop degrading myself in front of others. I am quick to call myself stupid and to give up on my own knowledge. Why?

No clue. But I wish it could change.

Today I gave a quiz. Stayed until 2am this morning to make it great. Then, after class, some kids asked me the answers to one of the questions and they thought that I hadn't provided the right information. I was quick to agree with them and apologized over and over. And I really felt stupid and ashamed for making such a dumb mistake. I seriously was on the verge of tears and was ready to quit.

When I came back to lab, I realized that I hadn't made a mistake in what I presented, but that it would have helped them out if I had provided just a little more information on the figure. But overall the test made sense.

How can I stop blaming myself for everything? Does it ever go away? Do you ever become confident in yourself?

HOLY FREAKING CRAPPY CRAP! I defend tommorrow........

Morning Lesson

There are 3 types of jerks in the world:
1. The whiny - one who always complains about everything in their lives
2. The bully - sucks the energy out of the room as soon as they walk in
3. The hard of hearing - doesn't listen to what YOU have to say, but just wants to talk about themselves

Ways to deal with jerks:
1. Ignore them - eventually they will find somebody else to bug
2. Don't make eye contact (they might think you want to talk to them)
3. Back away from them (definately DO NOT greet them with a hug, they might think you are inviting them to talk to you)
4. Tell them the truth - most likely nobody has told them that what they are doing is wrong, so don't be too confrontational, but let them know that what they are doing is rude.

Quick Recap

Since last year I have passed my first year exam, finished work with roaches and presented on insect respiration for the first time ever at SICB. Damn scary work and I can't believe I am still here. Fortunately things are getting better instead of always being scary.

I broke down and cried in lab during the early weeks of fall....and decided that I really needed to stop being so nervous around my advisor. So we met once a week and talked and now I can actually look at him in the face when he talks to me. I still wish I could contribute more to our talks, but I am working on that.

I started MedSchool Physiology last quarter as well, and got a horrible score on the first exam and quiz. This quarter I planned to be more prepared....but did bad on my first quiz and my second exam is in 2 weeks. I am writing on this here blog instead of reading, so I might have an inclination on how things will go then.

I've been to Miami twice.....used up lots of money and time.......and I'm planning to go back again in the summer. I want to do some frog work out there and maybe even collect some insects.......We'll see.

I tried to finish my thesis last quarter and got everyone in my committee to sign off on it, but graduate studies blocked me at the end. So this quarter i am once again enrolled in two universities and hopefully can get this out of the way. Im still waiting to set a date for my defense.

(breathe)

Plus I'm taking salsa classes.